Last Cut

I'm stuck.
I can't go forward since I can see where all this is headed. I'm happy you're happy. But it's the kind of happiness that'll kill me.
I can't go back since then I'd have to forget. And that's something I'm not willing to do. I'd rather be killed.

I'm stopping altogether. I'll freeze time. I even know the exact moment. It wasn't long ago, just a few days back.

I was only trying to go through you. I'm invisible, you know, I should be able to do it. Go through you. Breathe you in. And never exhale.
Maybe I did go through you, I can't remember. I was trying to make myself perfectly numb. Didn't succeed all that well. I can still feel the fabric of your shirt on my fingertips. But then again, I can feel you all the time.
They say that the first cut is the deepest. They are a bunch of incompetent feckers, never listen to them. It's always the last cut that finishes you off.

Why couldn't you just stop walking. I'm so tired of walking past you. You're so... perfect. You're... warm and.. whole. Like home. I don't wanna walk past you. I want to crash. Burn.
Why couldn't you just...
Yeah, I know why.

I'm damaged and broken and ripped apart. You can't save me from me unless you go through me too. With serious powertools. Like love. And your love flows in more beautiful surroundings.
Have I ever been loved?

How many times can you break your heart into millions of tiny pieces before you lose all the original parts and your heart only consists of tape? Yeah. It's not silver, it's duct tape. Valuable stuff.
Not to mention my striking beauty.

I don't want to wear colours any more. Or make-up, or long hair. I don't wanna go out or listen to music or even eat. I feel grey.
I've been crying rivers, seas and oceans. And some occasional tears. I've been trying to drown this crappy world. Or, to be honest, I've been trying to drown my crappy self. I'm gonna keep trying. Might be the only thing I won't fail at.
Although I'll probably just make everything worth while float further and further and further away. It just hurts too much to care. I'll let go and fall.

I really really can't see any ways of going on. So I won't. I'll stop. I'll stop trying to live. I've been in fantasyland anyway.

I'll inhale and freeze time. And stand right there next to you in silence until I'm better again. Or til' wind blows me away as dust.