- Bow down, monkey -

Beauty lies in lover's wallet. (Modern proverb)

Made it up yesterday while trying to fall asleep and getting sidetracked by bouts of uncontrollable crying. Probably made the guy living upstairs very uncomfortable, kept hearing him toss and turn in his bed. Couldn't help it though, it just came pouring out of me. Loads of salty water. Finally dried up at 5 in the morning. I might be related to Neptune somehow.

Anyway... How much bitter truth in that small sentence.
Who cares if you're a dog, my darling, if you're perfectly brainless and let me mould you into someone new... Putty in a plastic surgeon's hands, a little lyposuction, removal of everything natural, splash on some kilos of make-up and voila - a ravishing beauty is born. Men weren't allowed to play with dolls before... (It is frowned upon, don't you agree?) so they're making up for it later in life.

Men... Oh you're old, evil and ugly but I don't mind, you'll empower me with all your wealth. You'll make me someone others will look up to, so what if I'm an idiot, I have money now, I'm better than them. Before I was scared, insecure, bowed down to everyone... now I just have to be a slave to one. An improvement. Who needs a soul anyway these days.

This is the reason why I felt so helpless, why I cried like the world is going to end. For my soul. I've always had faith in love. I believe that everything will be okay in the end. I really do. Against all odds, despite all my experiences, every failure and sorrow and pain. But... it's a damn hard belief to fight for all by myself.
Maybe love really is just a mirage, a beautiful piece of fiction made up to fool people out of committing suicide too early. Maybe true happiness lies in money, in things. Starts to feel that way when you have nothing and faith in love is wearing thin.
Life planes away most ideals and hopes and dreams, no way around it. After being left by every man in your life it's almost impossible to keep hoping for someone who'd love you no matter what. Could I ever be loved simply as me, with no tricks up my sleeve? Can people even SEE other people through all the false lights and possessions and paraphernalia?
Life forces you to be so much less than the king or queen of your own universe... since you depend on others, even if all alone.
You can choose to hate it or love it. I'm betting on love. I still hold love above all else.
It's love, for crying out loud.
Love. :)

So... I was asking for a sign that I'm going the right way.
After some decades you do start doubting, you know.

Still waiting.

--

Although... this morning there was a monkey in my coffee. The milk had gone bad.

Bow down, monkey, and keep quiet. I'll tell you the truth when I damn well please, and not a second sooner.